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FEBRUARY 16TH, 2025

[05:51]

long time no see. i'm back to 44.8 kg. i got a bridge piercing that my body is trying to reject, but i won't let that happen. i also got my earlobes repierced. things have felt strange lately, so i got the numbers of two very good tarot readers which, hopefully i will be able to book. today i'll go to the gym, then supermarket. i feel like i'm falling back into my old ways. i don't like it. overall i'd say i'm doing better, despite the loss in discipline.

FEBRUARY 7TH, 2025

[14:44]

i skipped class today. i've been eating so much, i'd rather not think about it. i'll get out of this. sometimes i feel like the happiness of those i love is somehow tied to my misery, and vice versa. not in a direct, cause-and-effect way, of course, but it feels too frequent to be a coincidence.

FEBRUARY 6TH, 2025

[09:01]

i am sick. my professor's endless babbling is driving me insane. i feel distant, dissociated, tired. i have 80 mg of caffeine from these little energizing mint candies. it did nothing. i am so tired. this is such an unpleasant situation.

FEBRUARY 5TH, 2025

[18:32]

i feel a lot better today. i made a schedule for the semester and bought a couple books for my research project. i had fish stew for lunch. i will make a piercing appointment for next month! i'm getting my bridge and earlobes pierced. i am going through with that gym membership. i will go there tomorrow after class to ask about prices and whatnot. i think i'll have some granola!

FEBRUARY 4TH, 2025

[16:22]

i am almost positive my catatonic episodes stem from excessive consumption of chocolate that leads to sudden drops in blood sugar. besides that, my day was uneventful. i went thrifting and shoplifted a skirt. i resized my skirts. still haven't worked on the pants. i am thinking of getting a gym membership. i am going to put on some noise music and let it happen now. i am writing this at the exact same time as yesterday. funny.

[19:22]

i am unbelievably upset. i did a tarot reading. bad omen after bad omen. "you are being reckless. if you continue the way you are going, things will end badly". i knew that already. i seem to be pushed into "recovery" from every angle. i don't want to! i am not going back to my old body, i'd rather die. i just feel so awful and scared. i don't know what to do. i need guidance. i don't know who to go to. i don't know what to do.

FEBRUARY 3RD, 2025

[16:22]

today was my first day back in college. it was alright. yesterday i began entering catatonia, but managed to stop it before it got bad. my voice sounds funny when i am catatonic but still able to move and speak. i feel it again. i fear this will become a daily thing. rather inconvenient. i am thinking of telling a story inspired by this experience. i want to include themes of non-belonging, passive observance and of course, amputation. i want it to be a beautiful story.

FEBRUARY 2ND, 2025

[05:41]

after the last entry, i went out and walked for 8.7 km. i felt better, made lunch and was mostly fine until around 6pm, when i began feeling depressed and apathetic, before going catatonic. i managed to write the word "catatonia" on a piece of paper and call my dad to my room before completely losing the ability/will to move. he was very very worried. this episode lasted aproximately one hour. my dad gave me sugar water and a sandwich. he had to leave for something after, and i had more food. i slowly became more active over the next 30 minutes and then i was fine. now, i feel fine. i believe this happened because my blood sugar levels dropped too fast. i've decided that fasting the whole day and eating only over a period of two hours is too much for me. i've since turned off my fasting tracker. i'm still deciding if i will increase my calorie limit or not; right now it's at 1000/day. in other news, today is my last day of break before classes start again. i'm going to work out and go grocery shopping. can i finally fix my clothes today? i hope so. i'm feeling motivated.

[11:52]

i went grocery shopping. i will see my mom, then start preparing lunch. today i will make basa fillet with oven-cooked vegetables. i'm excited! i've never made fish before. in fact, all the meat i ate after starting to cook for myself was chicken. my dad said i can use his credit card for food, so i got myself some low calorie sweets too: organic chocolate cookies and granola. i think it will help with my cravings for sweets. i figured instead of fighting them (and constantly losing) i'd let myself indulge with something healthier. i used my own money for groceries because i wanted to learn financial responsability, but i think saving up more money now by using my own earnings for non-essentials is better than being on a tight budget all the time. it also means i don't have to beg for people to commission me all the time, or post about being unable to afford groceries every two weeks. besides, these three weeks have taught me a lot. i feel more disciplined and responsible! also, i'm at 44.7 kg now. my dad is starting to suspect i am anorexic, so i'll take it easy with the weight loss. besides, i don't want to go catatonic again. it wasn't a bad experience, it was actually quite entertaining, as strange as it is. of course, i was lucky i was able to communicate what was happening in time to receive care and help. if this happens again, i might not be in the same circumstances. besides, i don't want to raise concerns over my health.

FEBRUARY 1ST, 2025

[03:37]

i'm such a fucking idiot. i ended up binging right before bed. i'm still very bloated, on top of having slept horribly. i want to die or kill my past self for doing this. why did i think that was ok. i could have just gone to bed.

JANUARY 31ST, 2025

[08:58]

today's workout: 30 minutes of pilates and 20 on the treadmill. i got my dad's old smartwatch and it proved very helpful. i feel irritable today, i don't know why. i got a commission yesterday, so now i have more money.

things to do today:

  • buy a planner
  • buy a bulk pack of nail filers
  • clean altar
  • plan a routine to balance study, exercise, chores and leisure throughout the semester (like i said i would)
  • downsize my clothes

today i'll make zucchini with tomatoes. i'm getting increasingly more annoyed. i'll go buy the planner before i get really mad.

[19:30]

my lunch was shit and i ended up overeating, which put me in a horrible mood. i decided to take a walk and smoke to feel better. i sat in the park smoking and talking to friends online for 4 hours, then went to buy some nail filers. i went somewhere a little further away than usual, and then walked all the way to the other end of my street, then back up. this walk, plus my walks to and from the office supply store totaled 7.3 km, or 17 thousand steps. i'm very tired, but i feel fulfilled. i got my period in them middle of my walk too, so now i can regulate my birth control with my menstrual cycle again. i don't have to go to the gynecologist anymore! i hope tomorrow will be less tumultous, and that i will have time to finally fix my clothes. i'm going to shower now.

[19:58]

we're back to 44.1 kg!!!!!!!!! i'm so happy!!!! down 1.2 kg in three days!!!!!!!

JANUARY 30TH, 2025

[09:45]

i did 30 minutes of pilates and 30 minutes on the treadmill. i listened to blowfly girl's maggot story during my run. the narrator was awful, but the story was great. it really does something to you. i want to invest in a smart watch so i can track my calories better throughout the day. i broke my fast yesterday, so i will only get to eat at around 6pm. i am not sure what to make today. yesterday's mushroom stew had too much onion. i think i'll go with the carrot soup. i want to start making videos of myself talking to the computer. it seems fun. after my workout, i cleaned my room and tossed away old shoes and stuff in my underwear drawer. i realized i need more panties and bras.

things to do today:

  • find somewhere to buy underwear for cheap
  • buy a bulk pack of nail filers
  • buy cute socks (if there is budget for it)
  • plan a routine to balance study, exercise, chores and leisure throughout the semester
  • clean my altar

[12:55]

i walked 30 minutes to the store to buy underwear. three bras and four panties. yay. i had to get children's bras because the adult ones were all too big. i'm not sure how to feel about that. i'm glad they had neutral, discrete children's bras and i didn't have to get anything with unicorn cats and rainbows on it. i forgot about the nail filers. probably for the best, i'm only 20 BRL above negative balance now. obviously, i did not get the socks either. i took the subway home. i decided i'll break my fast early and eat at at the usual time so i don't fuck up my entire schedule. maybe i'll start eating at three instead of one. that seems more convenient for the future. i went to the bathroom after getting off the subway and forgot to lock the door. i thought i lost one of my rings, but it fell off while i was still home. i'm glad. i need to fix my gold and blue velvet skirt. it was about to slip off of me. on another note: i am at 44.4 kg now. i am so happy. only 300 grams to get back to my lowest weight and then, onwards towards 43.5 kg. perhaps i should aim for 43 kg? we'll see. for now i'll keep it the same. i'll start cooking at 2:30pm.

[16:03]

oh my god that was the best soup i ever had. i will 100% make this again. ohhhhh my god.

[19:14]

to do list for tomorrow:

  • work out (30 minutes pilates, 30 minutes jogging)
  • make that damn schedule
  • go grocery shopping?
  • make my floral sweater smaller on the sides
  • downsize my forum pants
  • downsize my gold and blue velvet skirt (maybe remove the zipper?) or add belt loops (somehow)
  • downsize or apply new rubber bands to my orange courduroy bellbottoms

a day at the sewing machine... how exciting...

JANUARY 28TH, 2025

[07:41]

i believe my sudden weight gain was caused by pms. that's a relief. i'm at 45.3kg, which would make sense. i had between 400 and 500 grams of food yesterday. it would make sense that 150-100 of those grams could not be absorbed or eliminated. i am also constipated, which is another symptom of pms. so in the end, it's not much a worry. i just hope this doesn't keep happening. it's rather stressful. in other news, i did 30 minutes of pilates and a 13 minute jog today. i'm not sure what i'll have for lunch today. i'm torn between a chicken vegetable dish and carrot soup. i guess it depends on how much time i have to cook, since soups usually take longer. i hope my portions don't end up too big. they usually do.

things to do today:

  • make coffee
  • laser hair removal appointment at 10:30 am
  • go to the pharmacy and buy hair conditioner, face soap, sunscreen, body sponge, surgical tape.
  • make lunch
  • online therapy at 2:30 pm

i've also been logging my bouts of dissociation. i usually think nothing of them (i guess because i'm at least a bit dissociated most of the time) but writing it down really makes me realize how often this happens, and how bad it is.

JANUARY 27TH, 2025

[08:16]

i'm at 45.2 kg now. how awful. i don't look bad, it's just... why? i guess that's what happens when you binge for a week staight. oh well. i started doing pilates on top of my jogging. we're back to one meal a day FOR REAL this time. i'll go grocery shopping today. i suspect some of this weight is poop, so i had some coffee, we'll see.

JANUARY 24TH, 2025

[10:47]

i feel awful. stuck at 44.8 kg. everything is too much right now. i just laid on the floor for 30 minutes in the dark and it helped but now i feel just as terrible as i did before. i want something beautiful i feel so so bad. i feel fat and yet i'm hungry i don't get it. i wish i never had to eat again. today sucks. i want to be alone. there's something wrong with me. oh my god i just feel so bad. why me

[16:20]

i feel much better. i guess i just needed to eat. i forgot drinking puts me in a horrible mood the following days. i don't think i'll get to smoke today.

JANUARY 18TH, 2025

[17:41]

at some point in my life i'd like to cut off a part of me. maybe a finger. for now i'm thinking half of my right pinkie.

JANUARY 17TH, 2025

[08:11]

good morning! i've been nearing tears since i woke up. david lynch came into my life at just the right time, sadly the right time was now. some things are just meant to take troublesome paths. this is my cue to take more joy out of the little rituals and magick tricks of everyday life. example: there is a machine for everything. there is a single progenitor to every single thing, which is also a clone of the original, like bananas. there is a matrix, which is cloned (or spread, like a rhizome, which is like a banana) and in the matrix(es), the clones are produced (or spread, like rhizomes of a rhizome -- smaller tubers?). question: where does the original lie? answer: in the original conception, of course. where does that lie? that's more complex... if you think of it like this, you can imagine how a machine for rolling toilet paper into the cardboard cylinder is an organ, which produces something (the toilet paper), which is transported by a complex array of flows, from the passing of one hand to another to transatlantic trade routes, and, in the hands of a person wiping their ass, becomes part of a different system. then, discarded, it once again flows into a landfill. do you see it? it's all one big machine or organism (what is the difference?) and you are part of it, and so am i (as much as i wish i wasn't). thinking on it, maybe there are things you cannot understand from an outside perspective, right? isn't it a joyful luck to be able to be out here? nothing wrong with non-existence, but "i" have had quite enough of it. my time here is limited (some 60 more years if i am lucky) and so small it is statistically insignificant. i can only hope to live on through my contributions to the spirit of humanity, which is also young, but it perrmeates and lingers much longer than any one human could hope to. i don't care to be remembered. i just wish i could hang around a little longer. one lifetime is not enough.

JANUARY 16TH, 2025

[20:37]

i went out with my friend today. we got coffee and went to this wicca store. i got two rings and two necklaces. the clerk gave us both two boxes of incense each. it was raining very hard on my way home, and the incense got wet. i got chunghwas for 78 real. that's very expensive. they were very good, like incense. isn't that funny? sometimes i still wonder why people seem so eager to get out of talking to me. maybe i'm conversing with the wrong people, maybe people have gotten less tolerant of things they don't understand. i don't know. i don't think i ever will. one of the necklaces i bought has a mammon sigil on it. mammon is the demon of prosperity. i would hope he is in my favor. i cleaned my altar today. i feel hermes looking out for me. i would call myself a generous person, but i can't say why i do it. david lynch died.

JANUARY 14TH, 2025

[11:44]

no workout today, my throat hurt. i got tea and ingredients for a ham asparagus dinner recipe. i'm trying to start budgeting, this is hard... i'm at 44.2 kg. i like that i'm losing weight fast. maybe 43.5 kg isn't so far out of reach? today i'll make meat filled zucchinis. i think i'll start cooking now. i haven't had much time to draw lately...

JANUARY 13TH, 2025

[09:24]

worked out and picked up my american visa today. henna is fading again. i should invest in a better brand. the heels of my favorite boots just came off, i had my dad glue it for me. i should also invest in good first hand boots, but shoes are so expensive... i was looking at some cute black boots today. i might buy them if i have money. i decided i want to start cooking my own meals, so i went grocery shopping for the week yesterday. i made pumpkin soup yesterday. it was alright. i added too much ginger though. i'm at 44.8 kg today, isn't that awesome? and i'll go to the park with a friend. i'm debating eating lunch or not.

JANUARY 12TH, 2025

[12:37]

i'm sick again. i dyed my fingers black and put in fake nail extensions. it's a bit hard to do things still but i'll get used to it. my dad's mad at me for some reason. i don't care. i'm going to cook for myself today. not sure what to make. something low on calories, for sure. i've had my henna on for 6 hours. maybe it's time to wash it off. i need to in order to cook anyway. my guts are lively today. i'm a bit bloated, but below 45.5kg. 200-300 grams below, to be precise. i worked out today, but not a lot. i still can't do omad after getting out of habit. oh well, in time things will align, right?

[17:39]

i miss you, genesis p-orridge.

JANUARY 10TH, 2025

[16:03]

okay so i am never going on vacation with my family again. it was horrible. thankfully i caught a stomach bug and had an excuse to stay in the room all day. i'm so glad to be home, i almost cried when i saw the cityline from the road. i'm having coffee after not shitting properly the entire trip. then i'll buy nail glue. my fake nails are here and my henna should be delivered today as well. hopefully i'll be able to enjoy the rest of my vacation in peace.

JANUARY 4TH, 2025

[05:53]

yesterday was a very very turbulent day. i feel better today. things will fall into place. tomorrow, i will go to the beach with my family. i am excited. i will go running soon. then, i will go thrifting for more sportswear and beach clothes. then if i have time, i will go to an esoterica store buy something for hermes. i will also buy fake nails, nail glue, a top coating and nail polish. i'll start packing my bags now.

JANUARY 3RD, 2025

[11:53]

i am fucking exhausted. having constituted myself mostly in isolation, it seems i am, essentially, absence. being filled with life, love, emotion, or anything at all makes me feel raped. it's not right. i need to be empty, clean, insulated and aside from the world. passive observer, silent outsider. i am in an incredibly irritable mood today because i am so hungover. being with other people is violence. interacting with them is violence. the intersection of two bodies is always the product of internal and/or external coercion. i want to keep a cold distance from the world. i don't care, i don't want to know. don't touch me. there is no contact that will make me happy, so much are there is contact that is tolerable, and only for so long. stay where you are. 6ft away, where you are predictable and harmless. language is a virus with which we infect each other. i can't find myself anymore. i'll nap. i hate you.

JANUARY 1ST, 2025

[19:16]

mercury sought me out. something renewed my interest in occultism, and now i am working with him and eris. it seems i draw and am drawn to trickster gods. i like that. i am excited for what the future holds. i did a nice welcoming ritual to mercury: a sigil, blue and black gemstones, light a candle, pull some tarot cards. the cards were as follows:

  • the hierophant
  • nine of wands
  • king of wands
  • page of wands (reversed)
  • six of cups (reversed)
  • knight of pentacles (reversed)

[06:32]

happy new years. i worked out twice yesterday, and probably overdid it. i ate very little too. i'm not sore, just very very lethargic. i'll still do it again today. i want to burn more calories than yesterday, but i don't think i can and i know i shouldn't.

lately i find that even people who consider themselves socially inept have overwhelmingly more successful social interactions than me. i'm not a sociable person, but i do like talking to people sometimes. at first glance, it seems people are not interested in me, but i feel there is always a certain eagerness to get away and engage as little as possible that i don't understand. i think my existence violates some sort of universal law of being that makes me deeply unsettling to be around. i don't know. maybe i'm just an unpleasant person.

DECEMBER 30TH, 2024

[21:46]

been seeing a lot of the number 6 lately. I wonder what this could mean. i started exercising a lot. it's fun.

picture of me smoking:

DECEMBER 25TH, 2024

[05:26]

merry christmas. i feel good today. i'm drinking my prune water. christmas lunch today. i am not looking forward.

DECEMBER 24TH, 2024

[17:26]

don't even ask me my weight right now. i am extremely upset about that. lesson learned: don't do laxies when you don't need to. i ate too much for lunch and my dad offered me ice cream in the middle of me crying about it. this is horrible. why can't things go the way i want them to? i was very very close to 45 kg. i don't know how to fast discretely during christmas tomorrow. i don't know if i can.

[17:40]

i cried about it and i think i feel better. i made a doll for my friend as a christmas gift and hugging him made me feel better. i might make one for myself.

DECEMBER 20TH, 2024

[06:36]

i showered and am having coffee. yesterday i bought swimsuits for my beach trip in january. i'm excited, because i finally feel comfortable enough to wear bikinis. i'm at 45.8kg, by the way. i bought a subscription to this calorie counting app too. it feels very satisfiying to eat as little as possible when you can see the small amount of calories in the app. i'm listening to 2hollis. he makes very good music. i had to look him up to make sure i was using the right pronouns.

DECEMBER 15TH, 2024

[07:56]

i made it to the end of the semester. barely, but my grades were surprisingly good. i did not go crazy or have a breakdown like i thought i would. i just got really constipated. i'm eating prunes and granola to help. i don't really eat anything else anymore. yesterday i had two meals: gnocchi for lunch and granola with milk for dinner. today i'll only eat once. i don't know what i'll eat yet. i'm at 46.3kg, this is the lowest i've ever been. it's exciting, but i still feel it's not quite there yet. maybe i really should aim for 45.5kg, which doesn't sound impossible. i've been listening to a lot of incelcore today. it's kind of embarrassing. the sensation of being full is the worst.

NOVEMBER 22ND, 2024

[21:49]

oh my god. time is flying by. i haven't been sleeping or eating enough. i'm stressed about college assignments. everything is a bit too much at the moment. i've been paralyzed with fear, but i managed to move a bit today. that's good. there is so much i want to do. if only i had time...

OCTOBER 13TH, 2024

[17:31]

relatively productive day today. got a bit further with the fabric print i'm working on. pattern? i never know what to call it. i want to add more things to this site, but i don't know what. i feel i don't have much to say. there are things i don't want to say, too. i'm slowly managing to do more college work. hopefully after the first week of december i will have more time to delve into my interests.

my friend once told me things change drastically within yourself after your 21st birhtday. i think i can see those changes. i like the person i am becoming. i need to look into books about semiotics for my master's degree. i need to think about my final project for college.

OCTOBER 11TH, 2024

[05:06]

i woke up at 2:00 and read a poem about amputation. it made me feel as though my right forearm shouldn't be there. i didn't cut it off, nor would i, but i did want to. i just used the computer with one hand for a while, which did prove itself quite a challenge. it's fine now but i felt a strange sensation inside, like it was just aching to be amputated. very strange. possibly dangerous.


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